Thursday, March 17, 2005

The Wearin' o' the Green!
Fiona Walsh, tiddly toe-tapper and former gubernatorial candidate is decked out from head to toe for her national holiday! "I am, I'm wearing head to toe kelly green for the day. I've even dyed my pubes green and put up a little sign "don't mow the grass" - it gave my husband quite a shock. I colored little Irish flags on my nipples with "Top o' the mornin' to ya written in tiny fairy script - the secret language o' the fairies. I've gotten a small tattoo of "Erin go Bragh" under my left arm pit and a little green shamrock with a tiny bagpiper just above the crack o' my arse! There's no denying I go all out for the day that's in it!" said the charming Irish lass. 'God be with the days when as a young colleen beyont in the auld sod, I would search high and low for a lucky bag with a bright green ring in it so I could wear it for St.Patricks Day". We noticed Walsh was slurring her speech and when we challenged the verdant charmer she denied that any alcohol had passed her lips before 9am in the morning. "No, I won't be stereotyped - I'm not drunk goddammit - ye feckers, leave me alone, ye're always picking on me - when will the Irish stop being victimized (hiccup)". We followed Walsh down the street but lost her in a sea of green hats and aran sweaters but believe she later entered a drinking establishment on 8th Avenue.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Walsh has no plans to enter rehab.
Hot on the heels of news that oft-crashed crooner Billy Joel is entering rebab, larger than life lush, Fiona Walsh says she has no plans to follow suit. "I love de dhrink!" says Walsh with thick Irish brogue that you could cut with a knife. "I've always loved it. Sure my liver might not be as healthy as it could be, sure I wake up some mornings not having a clue as to what happened the night before, sure I've occasionally scratched my corneas in the mistaken belief that I've left my contact lenses in over night but what of it? At least I don't get in a car and drive around the Hamptons crashing into things like some I could mention (hint hint?!)". Walsh, whose breath smelled strongly of just gargled Listerine went on to say, "You'll never see me in rehab. The Irish have a strong poetic nature that is serviced greatly by the addition of alcohol. They thrive on alcohol-induced dreams and wonderings, indeed much of the great writers of Ireland have been drunkards so I'm not about to tamper with a good thing!". Walsh was last seen entering a watering hole on 10th Avenue.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Walsh in nasty broil with Richards!
Following the recent announcement that Denise Richards and wildboy husband Charlie Sheen are divorcing, perpetual prankster Walsh is allegedly in a nasty foul up with the soontobe ex Mrs. Sheen. "I called her the day I heard that she and Charlie boy were nixers. I said "listen here sister! You'd want to be getting a grip here now. You've one child and another bun baking... give the man a chance". She would have none of it. In fact when I called her she claimed to have never heard of me. She's off her rocker that one!". Poked for further details on the alleged fry up, Walsh would only say, "Listen, Charlies a decent Irish boy - he likes the booty, he likes the drink and occasional snifter of cocaine - and who can blame him? I certainly don't blame him but I blame that tyrant wife of his - yes you, Richards, I blame you. Dolly bird!". We ended the interview promptly as Walsh was lost in a haze of her own self-induced rage.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Usher too "fantastic" says Walsh.
Former front runner for the U.S presidency and now outre office worker claims that hip/hop star and sexual athlete, Usher is just too good to be true. "He's just too terrific", clammers Walsh. "He never seems to have a bad hair day, or a pimple and always gets his moves right - it's just a little sickening". Walsh, fighting a raging herpes outbreak went on to say. "I hope at least he has a bad case of dandruff or is battling chronic nail fungus - something unseen by the ordinary viewer. I guess I just want him to be less superstar and more supermarket. Mind you he's so dancelicious, I wouldn't mind giving him a spin around the bingo hall".

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