Friday, September 19, 2003

Striking Similarities!
Fuelled by strong winds and the furore over the Jen and Ben split, gubernatorial candidate Fiona Walsh has said she's noticed 'striking similarities' between Ben and another well-known star. "Who would you think I'm talking about?" she goaded reporters. "Go on, have a guess, you'll never get it! I know you won't. So I'll tell you - Haley Joel Osment! Don't you think he could be the lovechild of Ben Affleck?". Harangued for more details on how she arrived at this startling conclusion, Walsh said "The chin for the love of God, the chin - they are exactly the same!". We contacted Ben's publicist to see if Ben admitted to fathering Haley Joel Osment or any other child out of wedlock but they denied the claim. "Deny it to the hilt, I don't care, I'm telling ya what I see and there's no mistaking that famous cleft. Lookit - that little fella has sprang from nowhere. We all know how tough it is to break into the Hollywood Hall of Fame. Maybe "Daddy" gave him a little help? That's all I'm saying!" Osment is famous for his role in the spook thriller "The Sixth Sense". Ben was in "Gigli" and "Armageddon". The two have no plans to act together.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

Isabel won't affect me!
So says gusty gubernatorial candidate, Fiona "Windy" Walsh. Fobbing off threats of having to stay indoors and possibly wear a windcheater if she does go out, the tricky temp said "I'm not in slightest bit worried about the wind. You Americans make a big deal about the weather, but if you came from the weather-beaten island I come from, you'd know all about it. Isabel is a summer breeze compared to peddling your bike to school in a gale force 10 in the middle of December, the rain so hard, it hits your skin like icy pellets. Dishevelled and unbalanced, you arrive at school, only to be greeted by a frosty-faced Sister Donovan who spits at you during assembly and morning prayers. Don't talk to me about hurricanes til you've endured that!" Walsh went on to say that if indeed she is forced to stay indoors, she plans a cozy night at home watching Discovery Health Channel - "Before and After - Plastic Surgery" specials while munching on various salty snacks. "But I won't have my activities curtailed - no way - I'm gonna beat this storm, I'm gonna take it down, it will go away whimpering, with its tail between its legs like a scorned animal". At present, winds are gusting 50 miles per hour.

Walsh in lurid sex romp over the Thames
Walsh, gubernatorial candidate and erstwhile temp is caught up in a swirl of tacky tales this morning, amid claims that she and David Blaine, the magician were "hard at it" in his plastic box. Walsh could not be reached for comment but one onlooker said she saw them in various compromising positions. "They were obviously experimenting", the onlooker who works for the BBC declared. "At one time they were attempting it"doggie-style" but appeared to be having some difficulty due to the tight confines of the box". The onlooker said that occasionally Walsh gave a cheery wave and the thumbs up sign. "She was all smiles and waving to the crowd below. She did look a bit red in the face, probably from the exertion" the BBC pundit explained. It's still not clear how Walsh got into the box in the first place although she did reveal recently that she had been admitted into the Magic Circle. Blaine is attempting to stay in the plastic box for 44 days while suspended over the River Thames. Watch this space for more exciting updates.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

"I got no money from Grasso"
So says gubernatorial candidate and temp to the stars, Fiona Walsh. In a confrontation outside Starbucks earlier this morning, Walsh denied claims that she had received monies from Dick Grasso, ex CEO of NYSE. "I got not one penny from the bugger" she cried. "You'd think with his millions he'd have at least paid off a credit card or two or maybe taken me out for a fancy meal at Le Bernardin-but no, the sneaky fecker kept it all for himself". Walsh whose financial status looks very shaky right now said she could do with some money to bolster her "flagging campaign". "I could certainly do with a couple of bucks right now. Tings is tight as they say. I might have a gig at the end of the week paying cash in hand but its not guaranteed so Grasso's dough would surely have come in handy". Pressed on whether she intended to seek funding from other sources, Walsh would only utter "I might, I'll see. I'm working on a tasty little scheme right now that could have a big pay off for me. And of course I live in hope of booking a job on "Law & Order" so we'll wait and see shall we?" Grasso's camp were unavailable for comment.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Kidman shares her diet tips!
In a bid to get more in shape for the fast-paced world of unemployment and the race for the governor, Fiona Walsh is trading diet secrets with Nicole Kidman. "It's true, I saw her looking extremely thin on the internet and in photos and I just popped her off an email and asked her how she did it! Lucky for me, it happened to be a day she was checking her emails. Now we're constantly trading diet tips!" Walsh, who up 'til now has been on the "voluptous" end of the scale says she hopes to one day be as skinny as Nicole. "Nic (as I call her) gave me some great insider pointers on how to lose weight fast. When I told her I wanted my head to look inappropriately large for my body, she was all up in that! She knew exactly what I wanted and how to get there". When baited for more explicit details of her diet plan Walsh claimed she couldn't divulge. "I can't give out that kind of information. That's insider Hollywood stuff, Nic would have my head! But it has a lot to do with water and apples and exercising for up to 8 hours a day". Walsh says its going to be tough getting so much exercise into her busy life, especially with the sedentary position she has right now. However she says "I feel confident that in few weeks, I'll be so thin you won't have to open a door for me - I'll just slide in through the cracks".

Monday, September 15, 2003

Walsh publishes childrens book
Fiona Walsh, temp and gubernatorial candidate has just published her first children's book. "I just brought it out this weekend - same as Madonna. That's just a coincidence though. It's not like I'm competing with her or anything. There's room for us both". Her book entitled "The Thorny Irish Petunias" is based on themes from the Bible interwoven with subject matter from Deepak Chopra. "He was a great help to me in hard times and I wanted to intermingle his great worldly wisdom with a little bit of religion." The story centers around a group of young Irish girls who are sitting around a campfire roasting potatoes and telling stories. "Each one in turn shares something deep and Chopra-like or deep and biblical" said Walsh. "If enough people read this book, I mean children, they can affect a global world change with the deep resonating message inscribed on these pages" tittered Walsh. Prompted for comments regarding Madonnas book "The English Roses", Walsh would only say "I haven't read it. I can't read anything written by something with a fake English accent. Even if I read it with my thick sodcutting brogue, I would still hear echoes of Madonnas affected Brit tongue in my head. It would destroy the whole illusion".

Walsh to appear on "Oprah"
Gubernatorial candidate and soon to be welfare recipient, Walsh has said she will appear on "Oprah". This, it is believed, is an effort to bolster her failing gubernatorial campaign. "Shut up! It's nothing of the kind" barked Walsh. "I merely want to feel the rush of emotion from an audience who've probably been given too much sugar and sweet treats ahead of time and would clap and cheer for Ted Bundy!" Walsh's MIA husband is scheduled to appear and hold her hand in a loving gesture of conjugal support. "I intend to gush in a very smarmy way over my husband and other members of my family and close friends. I might even mention a few of them by name (so ye better stayed tuned - ye feckers!)" joked Walsh. Although Walsh was in a light-hearted mood, sources close to the plucky temp said she's disappointed by the lack of support from people. "She was expecting to be driving around in limousines and having fab dinners and lunches at snazzy restaurants", said one source who refused to be named. "The fact that that hasn't happened is a source of upset and deep shame, although she'd never admit it". We contacted Oprah regarding when the segment would air but they refused to take our calls.

Sunday, September 14, 2003

I know what its like!
So says gubernatorial candidate and contender for the temp crown of childrens tv, Fiona Walsh. This, following the alleged break up of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. "The pressure is intense in the fast moving world of entertainment, whether its children's entertainment or not. I can totally relate to the intense media spotlight focused on Jen & Ben. I live with it every day." Walsh was commenting on the supposed split of the Bennifer union. "Since I announced my gubernatorial campaign, I've not had a moments peace. I'm followed around by the paparazzi, they wait as I dodge in and out of Starbucks or Duane Reade. I even found one rifling through my garbage the other night. I smacked him on the head when he attempted to pull a discarded feminine hygiene product from a plastic bag. I suppose he was going to try to sell that on Ebay..f**ker!" smarted Walsh. Prodded for more details on living large in the spotlight, Walsh would only add, "It's tough. I'm coping. But that's because I was raised in a home, a country that makes sure your feet stay on the ground. No chance I'd ever get carried away with myself and say pee in public or snort lots of cocaine. That will never happen with my trusty Irish heritage. I feel sorry for Ben & Jen though. Without the tongue-lashing of an Irish mother to "ground" you, its pretty hard on the ego, this business" she whined.

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