Friday, April 30, 2004

Spontaneous Ceili Breaks Out at Walsh's House
Lots of diddley aye and general jocularity compounded with keltic kraic was to be had last night at Walsh's abode. Fiona Walsh, the presidential wannabe said she came home yesterday evening to find a "spontaneous shindig" was going on in her Hell's Kitchen apartment. "Well I've heard it can happen. All the best fillums portray Irish people jigging about and drinking whenever and wherever they can. So I know it's true but I was quite surprised to find it happening in my own home". Walsh, who claims to have no great love for Ceili music and prefers techno and hiphop said she walked in and found "a big sthrap of an Irish girl with a hairy upper lip, propositioning her husband. Then I had only time to down a quick sup of poteen before a baldy, toothless farmer whirled me out on to the dancefloor. He said I was a fine 'cut of a woman' and how would I like to be buried with his family but naturally I had to decline." The phenomenon of spontaneous partying and hilarity and marriage festivals when Irish people get together is well-known in the Hollywood Hills but apparently not anywhere else in the world. "It's a delicious surprise to be caught on the hop like that. I just hope it doesn't become a regular thing as all the leaping lords and ladies, buxom wenches, bald car dealers and bachelor farmers drank me dry. I've ne'er a dhrop in the housheen now" says the browned-off Walsh.

Thursday, April 29, 2004

"I want a Famous Face"
So says Presidential contender, Fiona Walsh. Ms. Walsh claims to have applied for MTV's new makeover show "I Want a Famous Face". "I want to look like Ruth Buzzi. What a great face! The nose, the chin. I think I already resemble her and with a little plastic surgery it would totally complete my looks". Pressed for answers on how she would cope with the pain, post-op Walsh replied, "Lots of drugs and a steady supply of cheap tabloid magazines. There's nothing to ease your pain like reading about celebrities who are in shittier circumstances than you".

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Smoking Revolver Uncovers Walsh's Ridiculous Rider!
Presidential candidate, Fiona Walsh has some outrageous demands. This according to the Smoking Revolver website, who claim to have discovered a rider for her appearance anywhere in the world. Some of the "absolute necessities" Walsh's camp require are said to include: a)".. soft furry kittens or a small pup to stroke at intermittent intervals. Ms. Walsh suffers from alot of stress and stroking these animals is said to lower blood pressure. b)Several small two bar electric heaters, hot water bottles, fleecy throws and heated booties. Ms. Walsh's intolerance to the cold is legendary, thus she needs to be kept warm at all times. c)We require someone with a fluffy blanket to be standing by the stage to wrap Ms. Walsh immediately following her appearance. d) 3 packets of Tayto cheese & onion crisps, 1 packet of Hula Hoops, 3 packets of Revels. Any more or less than the required amount of these products will cause Ms. Walsh to immediately cancel any and all proposed appearances. e) A foot masseuse/eur must be on call 24/7 in the immediate environs of Ms. Walsh's dressing room. Foot massages are not negotiable. f) Pictures of Warren Beatty, Keanu Reeves and whomever Ms. Walsh is currently fantasizing about at the time should decorate her dressing room. It is up to you (the producers) to find out who her current fantasy flame is prior to her appearance. g) Every episode of "ER" must be available for her to watch on HDTV or Plasma screen telly. Any other show is not acceptable. (Except anything by League of Gentlemen, those she'll watch). h) a 10 gallon vat of Veuve Cliquot Champagne or the equivalent of a small child of champagne"
We tried to reach Ms. Walsh for comment on the above rider. Her publicist returned our calls and said it was "a load of twaddle. Fiona was at Arlene Grocery last night to receive an award in the Arlene Grocery Picture Show and she supped beers at the bar like everyone else. There wasn't a Tayto in sight".

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