Friday, January 02, 2004

Walsh is back on the campaign trail!
After some months spent recuperating from her gubernatorial loss at a well-known rehab clinic and in the company of her good pal Liza, Walsh says she's strong and fighting fit! "Well strong at any rate, not really strong, capable, able really. Look it - I can stand up and that's about it. But its more than many gubernatorial ex-candidates can claim. Where is Mary Carey now? Or Arianna? Or Gary? Well actually I know where Gary is - we keep in touch regularly by text messaging. It brings a smile to my face - he sends photos of himself on his new digital camera phone - you know, doing various jobs as a security guard around Hollywood. I see his chirpy little grin on my phone and my spirit is buoyed. I know there is hope in the world. He'll send messages like "Hanging out with the Baywatch babes" or "At Hef's last nite" and I know he wasn't and that makes me love him even more. But only in a platonic kind of way" quipped the heavily-scented Walsh. Plans for her presidential campaign were dismissed with a snort and a cheery wave. "You'll know about it soon enough. But let me tell you it will be big, bigger than you've seen before. Dubya got nothing on me", she said in her best hip-hop accent.

Monday, December 29, 2003

I helped catch Saddam!
In a dossier released to the tabloids yesterday, ex-guber, hopeful prez candidate, and confirmed desk jockey Fiona Walsh, claims she helped capture Saddam Hussein. "You may remember earlier this year that Bruce Willis offered money for a capture? Well I took him up on that offer and was there to aid and abet the troops. Unfortunately the money was less than Wily Willis promised but no matter, I got the job done". Walsh said it was she who offered Saddam a haircut and a "bit of a tidy-up" after his capture. "He was looking fierce rough and he had breath on him that would flatten a horse. Nonetheless with a shampoo and blowdry and a rinse of Listerine, he looked fairly presentable". Pressed on whether she and Saddam actually had a conversation Walsh replied "Oh the chat out of him was wicked. At one stage I had to tell him to shut his cakehole or I'd get in trouble. He seemed very curious about my Irish heritage despite the fact that I faked a middle-eastern accent the whole time. He must've caught me making Barry's tea and Kimberly biscuits- that's a giveaway! He loved the Kimberlys by the way - ould divil!" No member of the US military forces would either confirm or deny Ms. Walsh's reported presence at the capture. "That's as it should be", said the smugly satisfied TV worker. "I wouldn't expect any less from our boys".

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