Saturday, September 13, 2003

Walsh hanging on by a thread
In news just in, gubernatorial candidate and temp in the celebrity-ridden world of tots TV, Fiona Walsh says she's hanging on by the skin of her teeth. "I'm clinging to a small life raft made of poles tied together with knotted corn husks that's caught in a fast moving current" declared the wilting Walsh. In response to taunts about her flagging campaign for governor, Walsh retorted, "Never mind about that! I'm talking about my temp job. I could be gone by the end of the month - its truly awful". Walsh who has previously alluded to having a "cushy number" in the world of entertainment now said she's saddened by her impending demise. "I'm a little tearful these days. I've grown attached to my faulty computer, the chilly air of my over air-conditioned cubicle, the unnaturally cheerful smiles and chirpy demeanor of my colleagues. It's all a little overwhelming" she sobbed. This is a complete turnaround from last week when we reported her spontaneous optimism. "That was last week - ya eejit!" she said, "things are bound to have changed since last week! This is the fast paced world of governor races and temping. Walsh is said to be toadying up to her boss a fair amount. "I was in 15 minutes early and stayed a whole 5 minutes after quitting time. I wasn't doing anything but I just wanted to be there to show my committment. I hope it will at least buy me an extra week". IN the meantime, Walsh is said to be casting her net into the murky waters of the job market. "I know my campaign will suffer with this added pressure. But there's nothing I can do about it. I's gots ta eat!" she quipped.

Friday, September 12, 2003

Ben & Jen told me first!
So says Fiona Walsh, gubernatorial candidate and amazingly dissatisfied temp in the sugar-coated world of kindergarten TV. "I had a strong feeling that they were going to call it off, so I wasn't totally shocked when Ben emailed me the other night. The email was sent at 4am in the morning so obviously he had been up all night puzzling over what to do, poor lad". Walsh went on to say that she has returned the Teasmade and set of corn on the cob holders she bought for their wedding gift. "No point now is there?" she cracked. "I mean I think they'd be embarrassed if I showed up with the gifts now - where would they put them? No, best return them. If Ben has a change of heart, I can always get them something on the internet." Asked if she was sorry the wedding was postponed, the testy temp said "You must be joking me? Of course I'm sorry. There's nothing I like better than an good auld kneesup. Add in running from overhead paparazzi and punching a few photographers in the jaw and you have the makings of a glittery good time - I'm devastated its off". However, we later discovered Walsh in a 9th Avenue watering hole, having a "good auld kneesup" without any matrimonial party involved. She declined to comment.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

"I'm Optimistic!"
Despite her ego taking a brutal beating in recent emails Walsh, gubernatorial and temp supreme said she remains optimistic. "I remain optimistic" she whined. "Despite the fact that I feel I'm about to be "let go" from my cushy little number here in the fandabidosy world of kids TV, I feel kind of hopeful". Egged on as to why this was the case, the finicky Fiona would only say "I don't know, maybe it had something to do with a meeting with my agent today where she promised to get me an audition for something, anything, next week. That makes me feel kind of chipper! I could be on "Law & Order" in a few weeks time!" Regarding her gubernatorial campaign, Walsh declared, "Things are moving/is moving? Are moving? Are moving! ahead - that's all you need to know. I'm making headway. Don't give up on me yet lads" she joshed and with a wave of her flashy fingers was gone.

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Fruit Leathers Are Fun!
So says gubernatorial candidate and soon to be unemployed temp in the "fruity" world of childrens entertainment, Fiona Walsh. Walsh, was snapped outside of Westerly Health Foods on 8th Avenue, chowing down on the fab new snack. "I've just discovered these!", she said while munching. "Fruit Leathers! - Isn't that a great name?", she giggled. "They are like those rawhide bones you give to your dog only they are softer and made of fruit and not bone-shaped. I simply can't get enough!". The gushy guber continued "They are only 1 point on the Weightwatchers Points plan, and at 3 for a buck, who can pass up that opportunity?". Nudged on what flavors she had already eaten, Walsh clammed up. "I can't give that kind of juicy information to just some schmo on the street. You'd have to come see my kitchen for fodder like that!" she tittered. To date, we have not received such an invitation.

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