Saturday, September 06, 2003

"Paths for People" - is the new slogan of gubernatorial candidate Fiona Walsh. Unsettled by her "cushy" number in childrens television, she has come out in favor of making walkways safer for people. "Have you ever noticed how hard it is to walk down a crowded street these days? Everyone is always walking into you. You dodge right, they dodge right - you attempt to cross the street at a pedestrian crossing, someone steps in front of you and cuts you off - its dangerous and infuriating". Walsh announced that if she is elected governor she will implement new laws to rule out dangerous collisions on the streets where she lives. "I've "danced" around this issue my whole life. Now its time to do something about it". She proposes giving individuals indicators, rather like those on cars, powered by microconductions of the gluteus muscles. Path walkers would be forced to "indicate" their intention (by a squeeze of a butt cheek) to turn. "All the usual rules of the road would apply" says Walsh who recently got her NY Learners Permit. "People crossing in front of you at say an angle of 90 degrees would have to wait - you'd have the green light in this case if you were moving in a straight line - anyway, I'll have someone mathematical work out the details, but it will be sweet". Elbowed on where the funds would come for this new venture, Walsh hastened to add "Jaywalkers and people who break the rules - they'd all pay fines and people who leave their dogs shit on the street - they'd pay as well and others... I'll have an economist working out the details but it will be sweet". Further details of the proposed new sidewalk rules can be found on the website: www.pathsforpeople.com

Thursday, September 04, 2003

I got an invite!
So says gubernatorial candidate and tipsy temp, Fiona Walsh. Walsh claims she has been invited to the wedding of the year, between J.Lo and Ben! "I kind of thought I'd be invited", snickered Walsh, "but Ben was being very coy about particulars - mind you, he told me the date about a week before it went public!". She went on to divulge the whereabouts of the nuptials. "I knew it was going to be on a beach in Malibu, since Ben and J.Lo both love sand - and I figured they'd have a big cookout. We've all been asked to bring burgers or sausages or whatever you fancy eatin' yourself and then Matt Damon is rolling in a few barrels of Boston beer and sure we'll have a grand old time". Pushed for details of her recent supposed "dalliance" with Ben and her alleged spat with J.Lo on the recent "Stripper" incident, the windy Walsh would only say that she'd poured "Oil on troubled waters". "Lets just say that I gave J.Lo a loan of a special family jewel for her big day, and now we're all back to being chums. I love that word "chums" don't you?". Bennifers flacks had no comment.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Walsh to host her own "Reality TV Show"
This hot off the press! Fiona Walsh, exasperated by the enervating excesses of children's entertainment will soon host her own reality TV show. The show, tentatively titled, "My Life as a Temp and Gubernatorial Candidate" will follow Walsh around as she leads her life as a temp and gubernatorial candidate. "It will feature lots of swearing - a la "The Osbournes" uttered Walsh, "camping trips where nothing happens but I get scared by a large bush - a la "The Newlyweds" (who doesn't love Jessica Simpson?) and talking to hidden cameras in wardrobes a la "America's Top Model" and "Last Comic Standing". In short, it will combine the best aspects of all reality TV shows with a good measure of "Oirish" humor thrown in and vague insights into my OCD housecleaning methods". Pricked for more details on what network the show would air on, Walsh would only say "Oh bedad, they are fightin' over it right now - lots of dosh being thrown in my direction - I'm pickin' and choosin' now. It's very fortunate since I'm soon to be out of a job in the gorgeous world of children's programming".

Walsh - a 'born-again virgin'?
Amid lurid allegations of wild sex parties and girl on girl action, gubernatorial candidate and totally pissed off temp in the steamy underworld of children's entertainment, Fiona Walsh has declared she is a "born again" virgin. "It's true" declared the sassy sexpot. "I was once up for anything, you name it - I did it. I own it, I bought the t-shirt. No use hiding your past, it will catch up with you and bite you in the arse. But I'm a changed woman." Walsh, whose husband has recently departed for sunnier climes amid lurid allegations of needing a "break" from her, said she is going it alone. "I'm alone and therefore have chosen celibacy - at least while my husband is away. I have no plans to have dildos or young men in the house or any such thing. It would be unthinkable", purred the frosted fleshpot. "However, if for instance a saucy Showtime movie were to come on, showing housewives getting it on with each others partners, I probably wouldn't turn it off - I am human after all!" sighed the soon to be unemployed temptress. Walsh claims the allegations will have no bearing on her votes for governor. "I'm confident people will forgive my past. We're all human after all".

Monday, September 01, 2003

Fiona Walsh joins the "Magic Circle".
Coming fast on the heels of David Blaine's next stunt over the River Thames, gubernatorial candidate and slacker Fiona Walsh says she's joined the "Magic Circle". "It's true! I was always handy with card tricks so they let me in! I performed this one trick with 3 aces and a jack and they were really impressed, so I'm in". Blaine, who is said to be "delighted" at Walsh's admittance to the inner sanctum of magic is currently in London practicing defecating in a paper cup. The spunky Irish woman says for her next trick, she plans to sneak into David Blaines plastic box while he's not looking. "That would be something eh? He's there, reading or applying lip balm or whatever, and poof! He turns his head and I'm right beside him! That'd give him a jolt I'd say!". Walsh would not reveal how she planned to join Blaine in the box. "Suffice to say, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" she jokingly offered. Coleman and Schwarzenegger could not be reached for comment.

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