Monday, September 21, 2009

Bono told me first...

So says Fiona Walsh, mayoral candidate and veggie burger eater about Bono's rumored gender switch.
"It's true. We were hanging out in our favorite Irish hostelry - I can't tell you which one but its my local (wink!) and he did mention alright that he wasn't 100% happy being a man and that he thought the old op might help him feel better about himself. I'm open-minded so I said 'off ya go, knock yerself out but don't come mithering to me about PMS me laddie!'. He laughed. We both did. It was one of those 'you had to be there moments'.
Later it was in fact reported that Chastity Bono is having transgender surgery and not Bono the rock star. Walsh only added, "I'm only tellin ya what he told me". Vote for me in November for the love o'God!"

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Guinness doesn't make you fight.
So says mayoral candidate and aspiring vegan Fiona Walsh. "I saw this picture of Mr. Sutherland - and given his recent kerfuffle with the law, I felt compelled to comment. It's practically blaspheming to associate rowdy behavior with a nice pint. A pint never did anyone any harm. In fact its helped many a sour puss reach a higher state of consciousness. I'm appalled at the pseudo-journalism that links these two delicious items together. And for the record Irish people only fight when we have proper cause like over land or if someone takes your parking space."

Friday, April 10, 2009

Boyle no relation.
Famewhore and rubber fetishist Fiona Walsh has said that she and Susan Boyle are no relation. "It's true. Despite the fact that there are Boylesessees on my mothers side of the family - we are no way related. No one in our family would be let outside the front door without a good plaster of war paint and nobody wears white tops except for one cousin that we're not close to. So there is no chance that Susan could be in any shape way or form related to the Boyleeseseess of Tipperary. I just want to make that absolutely clear. I do have a tremendous singing voice though", Walsh went on to add.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Invite to the inauguration never arrived.
Fiona Walsh, failed driver and sub aqua diver said she never got an invitation to the inauguration of Barack Obama. "I don't want to say I'm pissed because I'm from Tipperary as is Obama and we Tipp people stick together. I'm sure it was a slithery oversight by one of his temps. As a former temp myself I know how easily these things can happen, especially if you're busy playing a game of Bejewelled or Gobble with your earphones in. It can happen to the best of us. And I'd say that's what happened myself. In no way was it a deliberate attempt to not have me at the White House on Jan 20th. What I'm sad about is the fantastic buffet and open bar I'm sure will be on offer after the do with free celery sticks and carrots and Chardonnay to beat the band. I love me a crispy canape! But I'll celebrate in my own way at home and toast the mighty man of Moneygall!"

A source later claimed that Walsh was found weeping in the toilets over the apparent 'diss' and cursing and swearing about people from Moneygall.

Monday, December 01, 2008

NYC Mayoral Candidate - agrees with Beyonce.
Fiona Walsh, Obama fan and now NYC Mayoral candidate has come out strongly in favor of the sentiments recently expressed by hip hop singer and mink wearing fox - Beyonce*. "Beyonce says quite adamantly, if you like it then you should've put a ring on it and I totally agree. I mean who wants to be walking around giving it away for free sans ring? It totally makes sense to have a ring at all times, especially if you like it. I would certainly do that myself. I like it and always put a ring on it whenever I do. It's vital in this day and age. Also who wants to buy the cow when they can get the milk for free? Not me anyway, I don't drink cow juice only rice or soy milk but the sentiment rings true across all milk genres".

Walsh was further squeezed into a corner regarding that "it" was. Her response was 'It's whatever you want it to be baby, tra la la. I'm off to mend a fence".
*Apologies due to syntax errors I could not put the fancy French axsaw on the 'e'.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Barack wins but Walsh vows to stay in the game.

With the recent heroic win of president-elect Barack Obama, Fiona Walsh, disco dancer and front runner said she will vow to continue in the game. "I will. I'll stay to the bitter end. The battle may be over but the war continues and so will the game. The game of life and I like playing that game. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose but the most important thing is to participate. Whether its dice or croquet, or a simple ould game of Snap, I promise to play on playah". Referencing her recent crushing defeat in the presidential campaign, Walsh said she will now turn her attentions to running for Mayor of NYC. 'I know it's a big step down from the Prez but I think I could do a great job as Mayor. I've already said in previous blogs that I'd make all kinds of traffic changes - no turns on red lights thus practically eliminating the chances of pedestrians being knocked down. I'd also introduce toddler free flights anywhere in the world so people can fly in comfort without wailing babies to contend with. I'd instigate mandatory deodorant and sanitizer on the subways, thus virtually eliminating the chances of getting sick. I'd put cops EVERYWHERE, cos I never get tired of looking at men in uniform, muaah! And other such notions". Walsh said she harbors no resentment towards the new president. "Not at all. Secretly I'm delighted as with my busy dance schedule, I'd virtually have no time to run the country. So it all worked out in the end and anyway, Barack is originally from Tipperary did ye know that?" The Obamas could not be reached for comment but Mayor Mike is said to 'troubled' by Walsh's Mayoral ambitions.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Walsh involved in assassination attempt
Fiona Walsh, presidential candidate and Palin-basher was involved yesterday in an attempted death plot.
"I was! I was walking across 8th Avenue, minding my own business, thinking about delicious Olive Garden pasta (but with a keen eye on the street) when a fella on a bike came whizzing down the street the wrong way at a fair clip. He avoided me last minute, grazing my back and ending up bent over a car. Unfortunately he didn't suffer any injuries but I gave him a good tongue lashing. Due to my thick Oirish accent he probably only heard "potatoes, potatoes, potatoes. Accident? I don't think so. I know Sarah Palin would like to see me dispatched to the world beyond. I'd say it was a plot to bump me off before Nov 8th"
Speared for more information about her lack of campaign appearances of late, Walsh said " I'm busy. I have other fish to fry, I have a dental appointment and a pedicure this week for instance. But my supporters know I'm there for them when I become President".

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